I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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