this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just invented taco cereal.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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