I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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