he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
