You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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