we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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