i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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