I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
