I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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