They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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