If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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