Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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