So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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