No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
