In America we eat man semen.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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