You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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