So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
