Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So squirting runs in the family.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
