Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Randomize
