we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
