aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
