Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
