dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
