sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
