how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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