just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
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You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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