i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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