i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
