y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
