Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
