i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
