Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
