i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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