Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
