My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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