If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
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She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
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The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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