Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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