I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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