Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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