God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Welp...herpes.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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