sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
