There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
