i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
