i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
