Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i out mim tonsoeep
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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