So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
