Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
