remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
