Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
