She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
birth control should be required to get into college
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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