I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
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all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???