WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
