She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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