well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
