i just sent this text using only my big toe
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
