Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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